Saturday, April 4, 2020

小草

OMG this happened yesterday!!!
咁我咪話成日都有人問我要唔要佢哋隻狗(啲義工啦)咁前日又發生喇,係粗口婆婆,她問我要不要一隻剛被繁殖場遺棄嘅媽媽狗,我話唔喇,佢哋咁可愛,就算老啲,有心絲蟲都會有人要嘅。點知佢過咗一陣打俾我,話Connie 你不如幫我暫託其中一隻,因為佢不太好彩,又在籠裹一段日子幾次領養都不幸哋落空了,佢話你去睇吓啦!係隻白色的狗狗,又話你先帶咗返屋企先,就算自己唔要,都可以through LAP 幫她找家(見佢咁講)我就去咗睇,那個地方所有狗都在吠,就只有她不停震,咁所以我就心軟地帶咗佢返屋企!!!
但事情最奇怪嘅就係佢無論大細同顏色都同Rosie 好似(明明話佢係白色,但佢唔係囉,為咗驗証一吓,我幫佢沖個涼,但都係同Rosie 一樣淺啡色)! 我知好多 好多 好多 人想找一隻跟自己以前嘅貓狗一樣嘅貓狗,上周才有一個;Phoebe, Fanny, joanne, 隨便都想起好多。但我從來沒有這樣想過,又不信投胎; 另外無論個樣幾似,其實都不會是以前隻狗!!!但當你唔想時就會偏偏遇到這種事。
雖然樣子好似,但性格卻不像。她好像經歷過被人打或什麼可怕的事,回家後仍在震,然後好慢好慢咁爬進我懷裹,頭躲進我的心口,但不敢坐低。
她鬆鬆的毛下只有骨,一點肉都沒有,又不為食,肚子跟Rosie 一樣是無毛的,看見青筋,有點像我阿婆隻手啲皮膚。
不過我都未必一定要佢嘅,只係我阿媽好似覺得我哋已經領養咗佢!
呢件事好瘋狂呀,好似plot twist 咁呀!
同埋我都唔急住搵下一隻狗,我諗住等吓先,可以幫一啲最有需要(而自己又能夠幫到嘅狗)可能係有啲physical disability 嘅唐狗。
不過我真係好鍾意好鍾意Rosie,我鍾意佢每一個部份。但好鍾意rosie 都應該可以幫另一隻狗及被另一隻狗幫嘅 (全人類的糾結)其實一定係貓狗幫我多過我幫隻貓狗。
OMG, 成件事好abnormal 呀,好像平凡生活泛起波瀾,但其實生活幾時平靜過。
我心裹面雖然都好開心,但係都好想殺咗我自己,同埋驚我身邊啲人都想殺咗我,因為每個義工嘅home-space 都係好珍貴,有時有啲難啲rehome 嘅狗都係要靠long-term 義工adopt 如果我唔好好用我個quota, 可能會浪費咗!
不過有好多人安慰我話呢啲係緣份,Anna 話係「另一隻狗仔天使來了你的家」
仲有,有啲人已經收到我寄俾佢哋嘅書,估唔到佢哋好鍾意(真心估唔到,因為咁educational, 未必個個都鍾意㗎嘛)so touched so touched you guys like it. Laurie 話「I cried more this time. Even though 最後的告別 I cried too. I miss little rosie」係Laurie 喊定係佢人類喊呢?

Thursday, March 19, 2020

悼念

當天使飛過人間
今天,收到一份禮物和一張咭,都是悼念小Rosie的。感覺好像I was home to an angel, 就算她離開了,還會收到這麼多關心和愛 How lucky was I. 為你的funeral 採的花,為我的工作桌帶來靜靜又滿溢的花香。窗外的白雲很美很美,就懸在海上,都好像在為你的離去而哭泣。
當我們回家時,小喵喵好像在問為什麼今天仍是沒有帶Rosie 回來? (平日rosie 回家他會好開心,總要檢視Rosie,聞聞她去過那裹)
又終於把這個Tote bag 拿了去見山書店賣。原來一直以來,很多人都找我買這個雙面的手畫地圖tote bag, 但其實我只印了五十個,成本很高(但布很厚,local 印,也是印得很好的)所以我沒有把它放往任何地方寄賣。現在見山有幾個,若果想買記住快快去喇!

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

寶貝

昨天是我家小女兒Rosie的Funeral, 我從家附近,我們每天走的那段路採了很多花,不是故意採白花,只是那裏就是充滿這些漂亮芬芳的花朵 - 橙花、槴子花和白色的勒杜鵑. Rosie,在我們最喜愛的花園花朵正在盛放,你一定很想跟我再去一遍。
其實我覺得採花比買花好,因為買花的carbon footprint 是很高的,但花園種在地上的花,不是採了還會再長嗎?
親愛的Rosie, 昨天我和Phoebe 等待接回你時在長沙灣行往深水埗,那段路好新奇,但你可能會有點怕怕,現在你在我心裹,就算突然的巨響也不怕了。
昨天那段路有幾間很恐怖的寵物店,銅鑼灣旺角那些至少會扮光鮮,但那裏那些很臭很醜,我不能想像你曾經在更恐怖的地方生活。
狗狗教練J 老師說狗狗是沒有時間觀念的,所以跟我們一起的好日子,每天對你來說都好像永恆一樣。你也見過的Sera 姐姐說,「Rosie一定知道自己活著這些年來,這段跟Connie和小虎仔的時光是最快樂的!」很多很多朋友說你會在天國重遇他們家的愛狗,alvin, bubu 等等。還有,有人說你是帶着滿滿的愛去天國的。
因為Rosie, 我認識了很多很多朋友,很多有心人。你也曾經為路邊很多陌生人,老人家帶來歡笑,真的,記得九龍公園那婆婆嗎?還有One Island East 那個露宿的婆婆,她超愛你。還有那次在Halfway Coffee 外的那位想抱抱你的婆婆,然後她從銀包拿出一張牧羊狗的照片!是她深愛的狗狗。
Rosie雖然覺得喵喵好X煩,但你一直容忍他,知道他只係一個超煩情人。他現在很傷心很傷心。本來好起來的病,現在比之前更嚴重。我們把你的小床玩具都洗過,但喵喵就只躺在充滿着你的氣味的那兩件物品上。他很不舒服,哭着,去不到小便,你們的獸醫要來看他了。
Rosie, 我們真的很傷心很傷心,但我們的回憶很珍貴,你是我生命中的天使,的確,連你離去,也是苦中帶甜的,我沒想過。所以你是一個真天使Rosie。
Because even it's so heartbreaking, I would still choose to have met you again if i were given the option again.

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

天使

沒有你的第四天
我家貓貓昨晚哭了兩小時,直至半夜一時,這是從來沒發生過的。他不舒服可能跟Rosie離去無關係,但無論如何,喵都係十分之愛Rosie的。
昨天早上喵喵只是抱着我的手,沒有如常狂咬狂踢,只是把小腦袋貼住我呼出暖暖的空氣。他一定很想念Rosie. 他們總是依着睡。今天我會打電話給獸醫,希望他只是緊張,而不是別的大病吧。
他之前不是病了嗎,本來已好起來,現在卻好像又開始了。但我們都知道他是個sensitive little soul.
我的朋友說,她會永遠在我的心內/ 身邊。自2012 年起,我花了很多年跟喪親輔導的贐明會合作,才寫出上一本繪本,然後又做了好多生死教育有關的book talk,我們常常說,一定要有自己的生死觀才可以跟別人談生死,我以為自己很清楚自己的生死觀,但這件事讓我反思了好多,例如,原來有些說法在悲傷時會令人感到安慰。but all not in a bad way. Rosie really brought the best side out of me, 在生前和現在也是。跟她一起的我,is one of the best versions of me.
雅文我的編輯姐姐說:「 所以我明白你說,Rosie真是小天使 🙃 不管在哪裡,活著還是離開,都沒有停止過給主人最好的禮物🎁就連傷心和思念,都帶著甘甜的滋味。
我覺得Rosie雖然離開,留下很多想念,但很羨慕你,那都是好的想念,因為你們不但心裡愛對方,最重要的是你們都盡了最大努力,對待對方以最好。所以沒有遺憾,所有的想念都是甜的。」我真的好幸福。啲人可能以為我花了好多錢好多時間愛她,但我好肯定她給我的比我給她的更多。
她那小小的身體,總在我畫畫時坐在我心口前暖暖的呼吸。
當天選擇foster Rosie 不是因為她很完美,而是因為她很可憐,腳又跛,總是躲在領養中心的小屋中,聖誕日好多人來看狗狗,但無人看到她。我本來好討厭poodle的。她初回家時也會吠。但因為有愛,她才變成今天的樣子。我也因為有很多很多人的愛,才成為今天的樣子。
雅文說:「抱抱,是的,沒有什麼比這個更重要。收穫了那麼多的快樂,而沒有留下遺憾(她去哪裡都黏著你,一定是知道你有多麼愛她),這就是最好的告別。」
雖然很傷心,但再選幾多次也會選擇遇見你 Rosie ❤️
I can only say we had no big regrets and I took as most time to spend with her as possible as I know she won’t be living forever We really loved each other and cherished most of every moment we had. I always say happiest time is just time drawing at home with both of them by my side. Simple but true.
她給了我無限的愛和陪伴,我抽了最多時間給她,我們無論去IFC Fuel 飲咖啡,還是去大嶼山行山都會一起,她是一隻見過我兩個醫生,陪我裝medical machine, 跟我一起去簽書 的小狗。
所以雖然只係兩年半,但感覺,是我身體的一部份。在最後的一夜,從醫院接回她後,我差不多沒有睡,我是知道她有不舒服的。

Monday, March 16, 2020

心中

你離去後的第三天 Day three after you're gone.
「我可唔可以帶埋Rosie」可能係我呢兩年半講得最多嘅一句說話之一。
It's best not to count to be honest, but it's so vivid to me.
As I said, I didn't feel totally unexpected, so it's not like some huge breakdown, but it's still very miserable. There are some sudden moments you wish urgently that you can rewind, JUST a few days, so we can go to the beach once more, so i can see you run once more, so you can go to the supermarket with me once more, and tears filled my bowl of lunch.
The spot where you used to sleep is now replaced by a white tuberose I picked on our usual favourite route together, where you kept me companied during my exercises.
I went and see the book where you are the main character this morning. I am so happy we printed the book at this local printer. They are struggling to survive now, they specialises in printing for restaurants and hotels, there's no job anymore if it was not for our picturebook.
The printer boss don't mind retiring early, but all his younger staffs who are breadwinner at home would suffer badly if the printer close down. I feel that it's part of the perfection that we chose to print there, even the lift in the old factory building is fun. My friends said that you are with me, I believed so, you are with me when we visited and looked at the sample.
I am so so thankful for everybody who reached out and messaged me, it meant so immensely to me, I know that many people wouldn't know what to say, but even seemingly repetitive things were comforting, reassuring, to know that we have tried our best for you, and you will always be in a better place without suffering and pain.
Yvonne said Rosie 有屬於佢自己嘅一本書 佢來到LAP 然後去到你身邊 又將故事畫出嚟教育下一代 係非常有意義的事」
Even though it’s so heartbreaking, but our happiness was so pure and so sufficient that it’s worth it.
Food is so overrated for me, Rosie, but you loved food dearly.

Sunday, March 15, 2020

Rosie


你離去後的第一天
小Rosie 是繁殖場救出來的媽媽,因為不斷生育,前半生都住在細小, 髒兮兮、無陽光的籠裹,與自己屎尿同眠。所以身體瘦弱,前腳變型,行路一拐一拐的,整條尾龍骨都彎起來(所以我們為她做了一個大的手術)她一隻牙齒都沒有,小掌paws 紅腫了,都是多年來踏住鐵籠的痕跡。
這些年她常常跟我到學校和大公司去講慈善的動物講座,就算經過大手術後,她也是那麼冷靜、愛人的一隻小狗。在中環商業大廈的辦公室裹講talk ,她會愉快地圍住場地走一圈,向每個人問好,逗得那些銀行家們十分開心。沒有牙仔的她,連最怕狗狗的人都不怕她。她是一個真正的天使來的。
去年八月,她第一次癲癇發作,頭兩次都很嚴重,身體劇烈地抽筋掙扎,在地上瘋狂地扭動滾轉,四肢不受控。第一次發生時我嚇得大叫(你要知道我是個通常很鎮定的人呀)
那時我已一直有預感,她離去的日子可能比我們想像的早。雖然是如此,發生時仍是極之傷痛。
No matter where we go, everybody would comment how lucky Rosie is to have me, after her miserable years in the breeder, now she’s living by the sea, eating the best food, travelled extensively around hk and receiving the best medical care.
But I’m sure everybody who are close to me would know, she is the one who gave me so much mental grounding and physical support, in my sometimes very difficult life... it’s because she’s there, licking my tears, kissing me from my pain, brightening up my day with her beautiful eyes, keeping me accompanied in my spontaneous adventures, that things didn’t go worse, it’s not an exaggeration to say that she’s my therapy dog. She even went to see doctor with me 🙂
Perhaps she’s worrying about me now in heaven.
Even though I’m sad, but I’m sure we’re both so glad we’ve met each other. i wish she’s here, but she’s happy till the end.
Even though cremation is on Tuesday, I hope her spirit is with me already, I always believed life ends at death and the dead one lives in our hearts, but still I wonder slightly if she’s alone at the cremation place fridge now (the answer shd be no but I still can’t help thinking that) all these years I’ve been talking about these theories or cases on bereavement; we always talk about how to talk about death to others, and that you’d need to have your own view on death to talk about it with others, i thought I knew mine clearly, but this would still make me rethink.
at least i hope like everybody’s said, she have lived happily with us, even though way too short as compared to her years of sufferings!!! I hope most of her days was very very loved.

All our time together was full of love, even the most ordinary moments like morning walks. Rosie you came to earth to be an angel, you’ve graduated splendidly you know?

See more pictures here

Friday, February 14, 2020

冰袋

Junior Patient Diary - Day 2076
我煲了熱水,泡了熱薄荷茶,還沖了一杯很細的熱朱古力。
貓與和狗兒各有要求,狗兒一直跟住我討吃,但其實她已吃了午餐,最後要我彎腰抱回房,因為腫了的原故,走出走入已很難,腑身抱她還要拿住熱薄荷茶進房也很難。
然後貓兒就在外邊叫,想吃雞肉。
我把冰袋圍住腫了的位置。
不舒服時眼睛都變矇,因為腫了行路一拐一拐,做運動變得out of the question; 本來該當放一個假,但不能游水已很苦惱,現在連走路也不行,令我好擔心; 擔心得我想立刻跟醫生說。但這個問題比打針,可能是有過之而無不及的困難。
近日做hospital 的project, 跟很多曾經患癌的人談天,很多人最深刻的都是「無限的等待」包括未確診前,那個時候等報告,大家都說心裹還是心存僥倖的,不只一個說:我又不吃多肉,家族無人有Hx,又瘦,應該不會是癌吧... 然後有一個以為自己是感冒的二十多歲女孩,現在去世了; 一個一直被醫生說是allergy - 最後發現是phase 4 lung cancer...
我想說的不是這樣,我想說的是我也曾經經歷那個等待的時候,有兩個medical professional 的好朋友分別跟我說:「希望不要是chronic illness 吧 」「如果只是心理上的問題就好了,我還可以幫你.... 」我不過是想起,就算不過是心理上的問題,我不知道她是否能幫我,同一個朋友也曾經說起,chronic 是一個很沉重的字 (要是其他人不會作出一個這樣的comment, 一般人會覺得這種comment 好似雪上加霜, or who needs more negativity, 但有時這種comment 令當時人覺得自己被理解 - 理解我的生命從今將會有一定的改變,而不是一起裝沒事。
總之現在我就有包冰在我左腳。(註 - 翻讀一次時發現; 那冰袋在我右腳,我不停意識裹知道那東西是例如在左邊,但往往會寫了相反的一邊,Nick 都知我有呢個大問題,好詭異。)
有次vanessa 問我有那時是不覺得自己病(就是能夠真正忘記了自己是有病),我也想知道... 但我記得有的,不過不適可以很強烈和突然,而且實在是關乎到每天生活,所以真正忘了的時刻有限。
有次我好害怕,在公路上,幸好我找到Karuna。
昨天若果不是見到whitop,一定更miserable幾十倍。.

有時我會想自己是不是幻想自己是很健康,但其實暗中是個玻璃人(但忘了)然後因為這個expectation 落差,令到事情更困難, 例如話我想像自己行山比別人體能好,但會突然在山中暈倒,這種事情可能不自覺帶來一種失落或打擊; 或者是實際的不安,會想,為什麼我因為忘了某一小節,然後半途成為了其他人的負累(真的不止一次發生)
又例如,入了醫院時,會好多人說take care, 但也會有人對我說「總忘了你其實是個病人... 因為你看起來很健康。」

But at the same time, 我又會擔心我寫得太多, post 得太多sick-related 嘅嘢,試過有些人說,其實你不是什麼大病... (我心裹覺得他們這樣說很.... 就算發燒或者食物中毒,很普遍很小事都可以好辛苦的啊)
但其實那只是真的日常,not trying to catch attention,上周我post 了這一句quote 在ig story (我差不多未試過咁做,因為世界上什至會有人覺得你是摶人同情)類似是 "I talk about my illness all the time, because it's a big part of my everyday life" 跟住Nick reply 了 "I know" 我覺得是很感動的事,只有他responded to that ig story... 其實大多數人可能心裹都有response 的,只是沒有說。
不過我也讀過好多人, took years before they can come to terms with their chronic illness or illness in general.